Your love left me a trembling soul, Forever seeking solace... Silence of the flame is where I contemplated, What went wrong in a world so perfect. Where lazy moments were enjoyed throughout the day And I was forever befuddled in our love. Where did it all go, do you have it with you? As my heart beats you out of me, I learn to live without that constant rush, Looking at the world for what it truly is, My intoxicated eyes gleaming with all that we could be... As I let go of these emotions I held for you, My memories of you, Carried down in steams to my cheeks, Eternally wiped away on a sleeve. And yet, a piece of you always remains. Memories of us, Our laugh, our hearts and our pain... They tease me in thirds, One after the other... Forcing me to keep sane, A lullaby to our siren song. But sometimes, all I could see is what could be. Hold still my trembling soul, for that is only a fantasy.
When love visits again, Tell him, to think this time... For it shall not be in vain And he will have to play to my rhyme. When love visits again, He will have to stay for a lifetime, No more leaving every now and then, For now, it will always be showtime. I am tired of living forever in pain... So this time love shall have to be forever sublime.
The sun. It goes on, Eternally burning, To spread its light… The same light, that runs this world. As the Earth moves to bask in its presence, Heat up the front and the back… The sun rays hit the icecaps at the top of mountains And to the coral reefs at the bottom of the oceans. At its first sight, natures warriors get up and start their work… Of running this life and starting the food chain. But that’s not all the sun does… It spreads hope with its rays, as it burns itself. Touches the hearts of all living things with its warmth. For you may think there is no life without water… But no life can continue without the warmth of the sun either.
I tried to hold on to love Like the cold waters of a spring, Sweet, clear and cool, I cup it in my hands. Doing my best to hold on to as much as I can. But most of it trickles down my hands, Forming streams of various colours of love each. Leaving little beads of memories all over my skin... Smelling the fresh coastal smell from my hands, I open to see that most of it is now gone, Trembling hands, reach out once again for some more... This is an endless thirst that cannot be quenched. Every sip, every lick, increasing my flaming desire, For this is now a fire that will not be extinguished. Desperate, I splash the cool water on my face, But it leaves me lonely again, missing with my tears, It is not a mix of sweet and salty, And then another splash, to wash the tears away... I tried to hold on to love... It always found a way to escape.
Drowning in my thoughts and illusions The misery, the self-doubt, the fear; my possession My brain intoxicated, by its very own concoctions Forming a repulsive cocktail of delusions. Slowly the savage whispers get louder; the indiscretion! Do not think of these as a drunk man's confession, For this is my exhaustion, Forming flaming intuitions, Of my very own depression.
I am a lost traveller trying to touch every brink of the world to help my growing heart submerge this world under I wanna taste all its beauty keep it at the tip of my tongue, tell every other that I meet of its wonder and beauty And every time I find a sight worth seeing, of every dawn, breaking free, the mornin sun coming up to caress the blue sky and how much it comforts, warms, stirs me inside It always takes me back to the comfort of being back in between my mother's lap With her hands tangled in the long mess of my tress that she has worked so hard to grow See my mother always wanted to see my hair reach my knees her joy attached to it spills in the seams of the stories she tells about my grammy At a younger age, it felt like it was her excuse, To get me to sit in one place, Right in front of her, as she whispered her wisdom into my ear. Sometimes, it feels like she loves my hair, Even more, than she loves me... She caresses them, tries to smoothen them, And holds them like they are her treasure. A treasure passed down from generations, Each generation adding to its value, Gaining strength, growing, shining, Learning to be free... But then again, sometimes, I feel like its all in my headspace, Contained with a band, Causing a headache... What is this pain? I run back to seek shelter, Once again in the same lap; Help me get rid of this torture. See, I think the torture made me myself. It caressed me when my mom couldn't be around, I attached myself to the torture and got more than I bargained for. My mother would always comb my hair, she'd nourish it, but she never knew that it would come down to this. She didn't fathom how my longing would fall into nothing, she didn't realise, that I didn't care for the hair no, I only cared that it was just, her and me, in that moment. And I'd do anything to go back, to turn back the hands of the clock and sit there once again. I try, she tries, she even sits me down, combs my hair again, runs her finger through and says, "it's getting quite long now, you look magnificent." But it just isn't the same. I fear her I've lost her, that I never truly had her, all for myself, and it burns. It cuts into me as if it's cyanide, and I, it's a willing victim. It swallows me whole, and the mirror shows me a little girl, running away from her mother. I hold her close, and whisper in her ear, to cherish this, all of it.
It happened all too suddenly my hope was shattered And my path was full of splinters And something made me put one foot in front of the other Like I was possessed Bleeding profusely but I couldn’t feel a thing What could have broken So integral that now I can’t function I am me but not me Something that connected me to my physical body Isn’t there any more And all I feel is the weight I drag it every second of my existence A burden I can’t put down It happened all too suddenly My heart was handed back to me It was mine, I would recognise it anywhere But something wasn’t right The weight of it crushed me I strained all my muscles And placed it back in my chest It broke my back And I fell flat on my face And the shards of the rose tinted glasses Blinded me
A four-letter word - LOVE A word with so much power Another four-letter word - FEAR Slowly seeps in, to sit between love and my heart along with the baggage of all my insecurities. How do I teach my heart to follow love? How do I teach it to ignore the fear staring into its eyes? Why does it choose to cling to its comfort blanket, cuddling with fear? Fear is now my rock. Both supporting me and pulling me down. Unintentional tears rolling down my face, Fill my trembling heart with doubt; overflowing it runs in my veins, The anxiety getting too much to bear. Curled up like a ball, trying to calm down; Love moves in and whispers; why are you punishing yourself like this? I try to explain again, In words that turn foreign to me every time they leave my mouth. Love seems to understand, when I can hardly comprehend what I’m talking about. It knows my doubts; while in itself, it never doubts. Love holds faith with every pumping heart-beat It collapses only to fill itself up again to carry love to every last capillary of our being Trying to fill me up and flush out, all these fears I write about. Repeated rhythm - I keep writing over and over again Doubt... fear... insecurity... On a loop, an infinite playlist. I skip track after track to reach that perfect love song The one without heartbreak. Like end game, waiting for that one anomaly where everything fits in place. Why is love not the Endgame? But that perfect song never comes, All that anyone has to share is heartbreak Because the colour of misery is such an alluring hue; That even though it pains, all you see is the beauty in it. Through my tearful eyes, I look at love, And fail to see any beauty there. The image, too distorted with past memories. I close my eyes and let them flow. Love collects them in the cup of its heart, And starts to paint its own misery on the canvas of my vision... Lost within its beauty, I finally follow love, unknowing the destination... Maybe I will regret this in the end, But its beauty worth every step to the ultimate endgame.
Incollaboration with @colour_coded_journal. Click on the handle to go to her Instagram page.
Freezing, I thought I would be numb, Get used to the cold. Instead, the pain keeps on increasing, Reducing my endurance. Why won't it end? Why won't it take the pain away? I slit my wrist, to let it all go, But even my blood frozen won't flow. I wait for the moment, When I shall fall and shatter like glass. Maybe in my fall, The toxicity shall forever stop. But the pain still won't go. It's ironic that burning toxicity can be so cold. Maybe I can use this against itself. Freeze them out, and let them die instead! For I am not going to die, Not to prove them right. I shall fight!
Inspired by the micro in the image by @s_k_mustafa. Click on the handle to go to her instagram page.
I didn’t want to give in to you. So I kept my distance, Intrinsically I knew this could lead to dark places. But darkness has such an alluring beauty… You get pulled in right into the middle of it Soon enough, you’re standing on unstable ground. I didn’t want to be helpless in love. But I was sucked right in… step by step. Slowly you pulled me out of my shell… I started believing you were different, You wouldn’t hurt me… That trust became the foundation to our home. Unaware of the bodies buried under it… I surrendered my life, my heart and my soul… With them, we build the walls, And put a roof over our heads. I was so very grateful and relieved… Until one day, in search for a bone; Our dog unearthed the body, and I found the rest. For you, I kept it to myself… for I was miserably in love with you But it wasn't the same anymore I could no longer ignore the cracks in the foundation or the walls in this house, we built for us… You noticed the subtle changes in me… And you knew, I knew… For fear of your own self, your own protection… You crept into the bed that night, With a knife, And a hole already dug in the ground.
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